Curse to Pain

What's this feeling? How could I get off of it? My heart is heavy. Full of pain. Why do people love hurting someone's heart who doesn't know anything but to give everything for love? Am I missing something?

Different questions pops up in my head making so much weak. What have I done? When will it end? How long will it stay? How strong I am to be at this point of pain? My heart is to small to bear with it. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I can't stand this for long. Will you tell me if there is something worth fighting for? You leave me alone with questions I need your answers. What I had done that you let me feel all the pains? Why is it easy for you to hurt me this way? Can't you remember those times you were happy becuase of all the things I did? You told me you appreaciate those things? Why? Why is this happening?

Will you please don't act immaturely? You're acting as if you don't know I am badly hurt. My heart is badly damage? What are these things you have given me after I had given my all to you? Why are you doing these things to me? I had even forgotten myself because of loving you. Is this the way of showing your love?

Wet Hanky. Dry It Up.

I don't usually share my feelings with others. I don't usually talk what I feel. They'll just know it in my actuation.

But there are times when you need to talk to someone to ease something hurting you in. You talk to someone whom you believe understands what you feel and will comfort you. Sharing my feelings is one of the hardest parts to do. But I need to.

I always write about how beautiful life. The beauty it brings and the dreams it could possibly give. Optimism is my side. Yet, some arduos situations come along. Inevitable. No matter how you try to be okay. No matter how much you hold on. No matter how you endeavor. No matter how you persevere. No matter how you give your all. You end up losing the race.

I always see life is as controllable as you. You give your best to someone. Her happiness is yours. You do things without expecting in return. Enough to feel that you are loved. But there are things which is beyong your control. Still you are hurt. No matter how you hold on. No matter how you fight. No matter how you give your best. Time comes, it wouldn't be appreciated. You will be left behind with teary eyes and so much helpless.

I thought, my best was enough to make things stay. But my efforts was in vain and was never realized nor appreciated in the simplest way I want to be. I was so true. But it wasn't seen as it.

The world is filled with different people. Some, seek their own happiness even if others are hurted. How selfish I am to be proclaimed like that? Am I really? I can't think of any situation that I hid anything to seek my own happiness.

It's okay. At least, I had learned something from being hurt. I just pray, all my doings wouldn't in vain and will be realized at the end that I was worth loving.

Thanks for coming into my life, and sharing a bit of it.

Crashed

Some things are worth fighting for. There are things in life we wish to fight because we do not want to lose it. Yes. We wish to like things under our control. But will it be worth fighting if that would find its way out away from you?

You expect a lot on things which you believe yours forever. Given by all your affection and even already build your dreams with it. But how far would go if suddenly things go wrong suddenly? How long would you keep standing from the pain it brings to your heart? Eventually. This would be the arduous part so much hard to cope with.

My best wasn't good enough. My efforts weren't appreciated. I was set aside in all of a sudden. What have I done? I just love you. I just dream with you. How could you bring all these things into my life? Are you happy with all these things I felt? Are you happy that the man you love is suffering the pains despite of everything I did just to make you feel loved? I love you in my own way. I didn't know if I am still missing something. Tell me. What do I need to do to bring you back? To love me again? Do I deserved all these things? Examine yourself completely? DOn't you need me anymore? Don't you love me anymore?

I don't understand anything from what is happening. You look for another man who sees only his happiness. Someone who doesn't even give respect that someone is building his dream with you. Now, you are letting him crash me. Tolerating his deeds I don't deserve. Did you love me once? Where are you know?

Learning from the Best

I could not do anything but to put my feelings in writings. Hopefully, somehow I could take this out and be fine. Wish that would be easy. I'm missing her time for me. The way she text me. Missing all of her. But here I am in the situation and I must face with it. If she could make her day without me, I will try it my own. If there is a gradual vanishing of feelings then let me teach myself how to do it. Time will heal perhaps. Maybe it hurts for now. But I know, this feeling would just be a beautiful nightmare in my life. At least, I learned to love. Learned to dream. Persevere to realize one's dream. Not my loss maybe. I'm doing my best yet, it wasn't enough.

I just want to thank her for making me dream. Inspire. Thanks for being part of my life. Thanks for the pain. Thanks for everything. I will change from now on. I wouldn't be the same person you once know before. Because if I won't, I'll just keep expecting I would still have dream. Dream that would remain fantasy. And that's hard working with something you do not know where it goes. I just want you to know the way it feels to cry the way that I cry when you broke my world, my dreams I put on. I wish one day, you would realize how great I am because of you. I could love a thousand times. But never will you be loved by someone whose heart is as simple as mine. Hope you would realize before it's too late. Don't risk for things. It's not good to regret at the future when you can supposed to save the feeling. I'm learning from the best. I am learning from you.

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally, as that song goes. Perfect situation must go wrong which I never realize that it would be possible in real world. Looking back I could have played it differently. Here I am. Looking far away how long would it take for me to overcome this feeling.

No one in your life is with you constantly. No one is completely on your side. I'm trying to keep you. Been trying to save us. You love me as you told me. But you are making a gap that we need to build bridges to reach out. But despite. Now this is me. Staying with you. And will no longer ask for anything. Just the way you want me to.

If this would be the feeling you once felt, not far, I could be feeling the way your feeling right now. Just can't completely understand why you walked away from me.

Forgotten Piece

I don't know if this would just be a product of my own thinking. Or maybe, I know it because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So many things had happened. So many things I had done. So many things I had pondered out that this wouldn't be possible. All this time. Still at hardships of accepting things happening around. Still thinking of what would be the right thing to do. I'm scared, I could make some decisions I would regret in the future.

Maybe my prayers were answered. Yes I know. It was. My prayers that somehow, I'd be given a chance to fill-in the things I had forgotten to do. Maybe my prayers is heard that her heart will be touched once again that now, she's with me.

But she's not completely mine. There's a piece of her that stops her so. She told me she loves me. Enough to hear and be happy. But why can't she stick with me? Why is that she's confused of her feelings that leads of hurting me sometimes? Why can't her heart is surrendered to me? If she does, she would focus her attention back to me. Why can't she do that easy if she does? But still, I'm waiting for the time 'till she's completely mine. I won't give up. After all the pains I felt, it made me stronger to fight for her. I can accept everything, and just praying that the day, my heart wouldn't become numb before things fall to where they should be.

My mind is filled with questions. So many questions. Now, I pray that my head can't think of anything. I wanted rest. I wanted peace. I want to lay down sweetly.

There are times my mind wish to give up. But my heart never will. I know, she's holding a piece of me. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't even know what I am doing. Is this the consequence of loving much of someone? I didn't do anything. But to love, and love her in the way I know. What I am missing that we need to come to this situation? All I dream is to give her a better life in my own endeavor, like no one can even if it would mean forgetting myself and giving all to her. I am happy with what I am doing. To see her happy would be more than enough to repay all of my doings.

I just can't love alone. But why would you have the notion that I'm missing something? I hate to disagree on that but that's what you believe. Can you just give me the time to correct whatever wrong doings you think and will make right? Perhaps, there are times I'm not seeing you. But it doesn't mean I am forgetting us. Please don't close your mind. I am doing this just because of us. For what we dream on. In fact, all those times, I wonder what you are doing. What are the things lingering on your mind. I wanted to be with you. As always, I wanted to see you. But I know, this isn't the right time to do those things yet. You are on your studies and I don't want to hinder your dreams to realize it. I'm at your back, just carrying you. There would be much of our time to be with each other after passing the ladder towards the things we dream on, and I hope I would still be part of it.

I know about your dream. Fulfilling such dreams wouldn't be easy and in my absence, I want her to endeavor to catch her dreams close to her. I want you to step on me while reaching the heights of your dream. I can carry you because I dream with you.

I told you once, my love is like a wind. You cannot see me and I pray those times I'm nor around you can still feel me. In my absence, you can feel you need me.

At times I'm not with you, I do not stop loving you. I just dream with you.

But what about now? Are all our dreams gone? Or you don't just completely realized how I work hard for us? I am stepped on until broken into pieces that I could hardly find and fix myself. If only you would stay and believe in our dreams together, I wouldn't be torn. You are my strength. You are my dream. You are my everything. You are the reason why I keep going and keep on believing in our dreams. What would happen now? Would you come back and remember the forgotten piece of what we dream once? Please do because I need you much. More than you know. More of my life.

Will you give me the chance to live again? Like I won't worry anything? Will you take care of my heart? Will you find its missing pieces to form it again? Until when could I find you? Until when would I feel this way?

Life wouldn't be easy now. It's hard to dream back again now that you are not completely mine. Just your mind. Your heart. And your love.

Please stop me from feeling this way.

In the Arms of an Angel

I ended up my day last night filled with inspiration. Who can say? after all the pains and after all the things I had passed through, I would still be happy? Time is indeed unpredictable. And the hands who worked for me, would I always be very thankful for once again comforting my feelings those times I was so much down.

Just the normal day yesterday I was working at my counter. Nothing else in my mind but her. I was busy manipulating the keyboards with the computer when I looked up, I saw the person in my mind right in front of me. I wasn't dreaming nor see someone like her in my hallucination. Nope. She was her.

So happy to see her, that at last, I wouldn't keep thinking about her. She's right in front of my very eye. ahahah! I never expect she would come to my office and will give a visit. Not totally new, but I was really surprise.

I normally worked. Filled with inspiration as I go on. Taking some glance before her as she was sitting on the table studying for her midterm exams. (giggle)I don't know if she enjoy the time with me, but I can feel she was happy spending her time in my branch. Normal working day ended at 7:00 o'clock in the evening. After work, we went to the church and pray together.

There, we talk shortly before we prayed. Her eyes were true as we were talking together. What she said, hurts a little because I know she was talking with me at heart. But her words challenged me to work for us even more. Right at this moment still, she is confused with her feelings and fighting over it. Wish I could do this with prayers. I will persevere and endeavor much harder to win back her heart again. I know, I'm making it.

Until the River Runs Dry

I don't how to start everything I want to say. Still my mind is much confused with the things happening around me. I don't want this feeling anymore. Seems like, I don't know how to trust my heart again. Maybe, I'm just afraid I might get hurt when I expect much on the things happening to me now, or this would be a normal feelings after a dreamy heart was once broken and put back into pieces.

Now the most difficult part of myself now is winning back I had once given. Admittedly, I wonder if I am still living with myself. I'm not used to it. Seems there is someone deep within me ruling my mind with possibilities. But I don't care. I want to gain back they way I am before. This is no longer me. This is not myself anymore.

I was hurt several times. I had trusted inconsiderable moments. But no matter how many times I got hurt and how many times my trust was broken still, I couldn't help myself looking after her, thinking that she alone is all I need in my life. My every reason I wake up in the morning, my reason to live, and my all.

I don't know why I keep standing 'till this time. But everytime, the river runs dry, that's the time I prayed for the rain to come. Not just to hide the tears but to soften the earth from being drought.

I will love you in the way I know. I don't care if I would still be hurt next time around. At least, I tried to love you, again and again.