Burnt Cookies

Everything is turning different now. This is the world. This is the life I am going to face. Right now, I only got my family as my inspiration to move on. My dream to complete the our house renovation and to sleep in my new room. In a little way, day by day I'm inspired with the littlest dream I have.

I could now think positively. Feeling stronger after being torn to pieces. And admittedly, I may not totally out from the situation but I know in time, I'll be over it. There are just one or couple of questions left in my mind. I am still confused with how I decide. I may regret at the end. But on the other way around, are those things do not have regrets themselves? I'm too good to be betrayed, deceived, used upon or whatever terms some individuals call after giving everything I can give. Will I regret someday because I didn't do anything? Because I accepted my defeat just bound with tears and broken heart? So many things are lingering in my thoughts this time.

I am feeling betrayed after I had given my everything. But its too much if they would ask including myself. I wouldn't let anyone do that. I am me. Once strong and smart. I would stand again after fixing my self back. And I will show to them, that I will never break that simple...

And now I am alone with no one at my side, I have to decide with just my own contemplations. May I be guided with what are written on the stars!

Bringing the Old Days Back

I got good things to celebrate today. I may not to share my happiness but for me it really counts a lot.

Today is quite surprising. After four years of looking after him, my close friend in college just appear right before my eyes. I never thought it would happen just like this. After searching him high and low, there he comes along.

It was perhaps five years ago since the last time I met him. We were riding in a bus going to our respective hometowns. We shared a lot of memories together. Sharing family problems, heart problems, and some more other things. This drew as closer as friends. Even sharing some cookies with each other as we talk about his family, and his love affair...

He was a smart guy. Graduated salutatorian. But his economic status did not hinder him to pursue his dreams. When he shared his life story with me, I got promised to myself before that I would be with him and his family to uplift their situation when I finish my studies. He had a very sad story with regard to his family.

When I come to the climax of the story, I never met him again. Never knew anything about him. I wonder if he had graduated from his baccalaureate degree. Many questions were hanged to my mind.

But today, all those things were answered. Though we had a short time chatting with each other, I remember the old days when we used to walk along the boulevard listening from him his sad story. I guess he is okay now. He was able to find good job for himself and his family.

And that one thing I learned... Things happened when you don't even expect it to happen. Sitting in the corner takes a lot of perseverance to wait for things to fall in their right respective places...

John Micheal, your story inspires me.

Meeting the Expectations

Though I got home at 1:00am last night, I still managed to wake up at 10 mins before six o'clock strikes. I got a phone call informing me that I will be attending a certain investigation. I can't sleep back. Thinking how would I spend my time and how would I able to make the output after the investigation.

It was a cold morning. And don't have plan to rise up early. My muscles were weary and I wanted to take time to rest after a long night of work.

Lot of things played in my mind. How could other people have expected a lot from me? When I, myself got a little trust in all I can do. Like today, at eight o'clock in the morning, I will have a meeting together with my the Regional Manager and act as his secretary. How could my wit manage the role he has given me inspite, I don't even have the knowledge to do things like the way he expected from me. The worst is, that, our company lawyer will be present too. Truly amazing. (hehehe)... Now, then I look at my self, I am just me... Seeing no something special I could do.

But anyway, I tried to keep what their eyes has seen in me. I would stress out what they expect from me. No matter what, I would try to break a leg from all of this...

Night Wind

Life wouldn't be the same now. So alone and after breaking the silence, here I go again. Thinking some beautiful things wishing to happen. I can't talk to anyone. I don't someone to share my feelings with especially now that those people who could I always talk about my feelings has left for greener fate. But they left me some good memories as friendship grows despite of our distance.

I'm feeling better now. I'm just missing some people who was one part of my journey. If only I could them close to me, I will. But fate has brought as far together. Maybe, this is let myself stand in my own fate to test the strength I have. Thanks to all the people who cared for me though I had only extended a little of my help. You guys are good friends really. Cieto, Johnny, and Kenneth. Though we shared a little of our time, you let me feel so much special.

A Long Day to Memorize

0845HH. The sun is up... And I just woke up...

Just in bed and found myself staring at the ceiling. My mind was empty when Johnny entered my room and asked how I was feeling. With a simple smile, just nodding and uttered, that in a little more days, I will be fine.

I couldn't resist this boy. He asked me if I wanted to go out. Hmmmm... Exactly. I was not in the mood to mingle anything outside my room. But he made me rise up on my bed and go with him. Where? To the Silliman Beach. Hahaha!

The sun is up. Kinda hurting to my skin. What a trip. It was Cieto, Kent, Irving, Johnny and I who finally made aggrement to get there. Wew!

When we went outside the house, it was drizzling. Yet the sun shone brightly. Perhaps, it would be a perfect day to enjoy the beach. Nothing special. Nothing new to myself. I was just quite in the group.

We arrived at the beach almost ten o'clock in the morning. Walking on the shore, we travelled the distance reaching at the end of the runway in the airport. We sit there for a while, talked things even beyong imagination. (hehehe... it was fun when the guard running after and warning us that it is prohibited to get in there...)

The place was good even we just stayed there for a while. The ocean breeze feels so much relaxing. It was calm and the breeze was so lonely... Yet I was awakened when I found out my friends are running away. (hahaha). I just calmly walked to the end and come after them.

They all plunged into the water despite of the heat. I was just watching them from the shore. Never had a plan to bathe in the sea. (I was freezing then).

When they played long jump, I joined them. (I wasn't a loser because I ranked second to Johnny in the game. The difference perhaps is a footstep. hehehe...)

We also had a trip getting inside the Silliman Farm where we watch the giant clams (I don't think it was giant) and crocodile in their pins. hehehe. Nothing remarkable. It was just a crocodile when I normally see long before. Just a normal reptile. We're just making fun of anything we encountered inside the farm like the aquarium, and with some precautionary signs inside. I enjoyed somehow. It was a big leap of moving on.

We returned home at noon time because I still have to report on duty at one o'clock in the afternoon. But after I was putting my uniform on, I was looking at Johnny and decided not to work. I then, called the office that I can just be at the office around six o'clock in the evening (and I succeeded to make an alibi, hahaha!).

We rode my motorcycle and went to the Carmelites and pray. It was Johnny, Irving and I. We stayed at the church maybe almost and hour then proceed to Sibulan church, to lit up a candle for St. Anthony. We just made a road trip even if the rain was heavy. We made it to Sibulan almost wet. Nothing in mind really but to enjoy the rain at the same time. After praying, we returned to the house. And since, six o'clock is too long to wait, Johnny suggested to stroll in Valencia and then, we found ourselves jamming in the Karaoke bar (hehehe) with the tanduay flat and a litre of coke. wew! I never drank anyway. I was still thinking that I would still be at work at six in the evening. That was almost four o'clock in the afternoon.

Time passes to quickly. That time we spent together with Johnny and Irving made me forget about what I'm feeling. Seems I am pulled out from the mud I was fallen unto. It's not easy to forget things when heart is concerned at all. But I was relieved by how my freinds keep me. I am just waiting for the day until I could finally said, that I was over it.

We returned home 1755HH. And I reported to work.

Moving On...

It's 2:26 in the morning. Still up thinking of the things I've been through. Realizing how strong I am that I've gone this far. Thanks to all the affection that my friends has given to me. The love and care that they showed to me when I was totally down. Thanks for encouraging me that the world hasn't totally turn me out.

Times for me was so tough. Fighting something which is no longer worth for. Yet, thanks for all the understanding. My friends have seen how badly I was broken, call my attention when I suddenly lost my consciousness, and tap my back when I suddenly cried. Thanks. You made me realize that I wasn't left by people who truly love me.

I was hurt. I tried to run away from the situation. But later, I understand that I need to face the truth. Not to hide from it. Not to run.

The care my family and friends has given to me comforted my feelings. I will move on no matter how hard it would be. I know I can. And you will see once again the sweetest of my smile (hehehe), then I could live my life without putting my happiness with others. I will now live my life and claime it is mine.

Thanks for the heartaches and pains. It made me a better man.

Unfaithful Heart

Everything seems to be perfect. Everyone was once happy. I dream of something big. Then I dream with her.

I took out the responsibility I know, never owned because I wanted her to realize her biggest dream. ...her dream of becoming an accountant.

I meet her when I was in college. I was very young and she was too. But I started to dream of realizing her dreams after hearing her answers in the footage during a university's pageant. Her words were so desperate to realize her dreams. Then I decided to be the catalyst of what she said.

I was in my third year that time. So much eager to graduate so that I could start helping her. And though, I was also still in my studies, I find ways to bridge up the distance between us. Miles and miles we were apart yet, I still dream something big for her. It's working. I made it work. We made it work.

When she had claims for her school project, I was there to listen. From the simple VCO of the marketing class to the payment of her reviewer when she wasn't around. Enough for me to hear words of gratitude. Enough for me to hear that I am part of her family and only her family in the city we keep struggling. Seems just the two of us helping each other to survive.

I was treating her my wife and my everything. All her needs, I was trying to secure. All that I can. All that I am. And I was forgetting myself. I love her more than my family since I was able to forget them just because she was my priority. Because I had my dream with her. Because I believe, I could have my family next to her after her dreams is realized. I never realized that I was dreaming all about her. Just for her. Only for her. And I forget all the people around me.

Time may change, yet, I had proven to myself that never will I. From the start of our relationship, I was Michael. And all these years I am still am. Proven by time that my love will never change. Still I was on her feet carrying her and push her closer to her dreams. And now she's close, I was stepped on and left me broken. She had changed. She had forgotten everything. She has forgotten how I sacrificed to help her to realize everything.

I am not supposed to count all these things. But I am thinking from which point I had mistaken. And I realized one thing. I love someone with an unfaithful heart. It was just I care alone. It was just I was the only one to be true.

I love her and I wanted to let her feel the comfort even in my own small way. She has forgotten that I placed her in a dormitory to feel the comfort as she will study.

All my sacrifices were never appreciated. It was even betrayed. Her heart is unfaithful. She didn't love me. She never care for me. She only thinks on her own way. She never care about the way I sacrifice my everything just for her. She hurt me despite my doings. She only think of her own feelings. She has changed.

My life would never be the same now. Before, I got all my inspiration to wake up every morning and report to my work. But things has changed. And perhaps time for me to move on, and go my own way after trying to save our relationship. After enduring all the pains.

I am strong. I know. And this experience wouldn't stop me from living. I never lost anything. It's just them who lost something big because of condemnming me. I will move on. I will fix back myself. I will dream with myself. My family. And with my friends, who honestly care for me.

Enough is enough. I'll keep moving on. I don't deserve someone who would change in a moment. I had given you my all. Yet, you never get contented.

Spending My Time

It was passed 12 o'clock in the midnight when I stepped out from the office. My heart is heavy. Life was dull and seems no rison at all to go on.

Another day has gone. Another day spent filled with pains.

Who could then understand me with the way how I feel? Perhaps, nobody but me. Nobody can help except myself to stand in the middle of the fight. I must be strong to stand against the odds.

I was checking my wallet as I walk out the door. Just couple of hundred bills left and my motorcycle is running out of gasoline. I decided to run to the ATM to get some cash.

The night was cold, and good for me that I was wearing my jacket as I walked alone down to a distant ATM . The streets were empty.

As I was operating the ATM, I noticed the woman, shivering in cold just meters away from me. She was sitting at the bank entrance in folded knees as she was fighting the cold. Pity was she. No shelter. No family. No friends.

I paused for minutes looking at her. Thinking of some notions if how lucky I am for having some things other people don't have. Despite of a broken heart, still lucky enough that I wasn't living in a place like the woman does.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't talk. She doesn't look at me. And perhaps, she wanted to exchange her life to a kind of life like I have. And that, I had lot of things learned just by looking the caricature.

Life doesn't end when your heart is broken. Lot of people would love to exchange their lives from the way we live, even though it means breaking our heart. Still I am lucky that the only hurt I have is at that from losing someone I love most. But I know. My life doesnt end there, and I will treasure it forever and a day.

I believe I am still lucky. Lucky enough to exist with family and friends. My love life may not be as beautiful like of a movie with happy ending. But I know, and I know, I have my day to smile watching the sunrise.

I'm so lucky despite. And my life doesnt end just because of the painful experiences. Still, I am complete. Nothing is lost but my love for the wrong person. Still, I got my life complete. I know, time will heal the wounds. Time will keep the pain. Maybe not now. But for sure. That day will come, and I will give a damn smile remembering these heartaches... (starting to smile).

I'm about to leave then. But thinking the woman was in cold, I took off my jacket and wrapped her. I went to a nearby fastfood and order a hot soup and brought it to her. I went back to the office and my heart was lightened.

Very simple scenario. Yet, I learned that there is still so much to live for. There are things, that no matter how you hold on to make it stay, it would still slipped away. No matter how you ignore the pain just to make it stay, it would still run away from you. But don't get lost. Learn to think that life goes on and you deserve something better...

Live your life and don't depend your happiness from others. See if who walks with you at the end of your journey. Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy.

Unspoken Friendship, meet Ma'am Lourdes...

She was once a stranger. Then she became my bestfriend.

I don't really know how we both estrablished the good friendship. Maybe because she has everything to be the best person around. The first time I met her was never an accident but a destiny, and I'm so much glad to meet up a person as kind as her. She taught me to be a natural person. She develop more with the confidence I had. She's strong woman I always adore.

Things we come up around together was never been easy. The bond we had was unforgetable. The experiences we had is worth remembering.

I could never actually describe her. No words in my dictionary that could eventually describe her as she is. But I had already meet the most noble yet fragile person in the world. So much to be proud and be thankful of. This is one of the best things that happened to me.

My gratitude with her would be never ending. He taught me everything a good man should be. He knows perhaps every inch of me because she has good empathy.

Ma'm Lourdz, all I am today is because of you. Thanks for the time we both share together. The songs, the laughter, the tears, understanding and everything. I am strong when I am with you. You can always make me believe if who walks with us at the end of our journey. Though we are apart now, things would never change. You will still be my manager, a bestfriend, instructor, and an angel. Thanks for crossing into my life and I will treasure every perspective of the memories we shared together. Nothing will change. It there is, like you said. It would be for a better.

There's so much to write about you. But you remain like the scent of a flower in the secret garden. Unseen. Yet, it can tell the kind of its beauty.

Then Life Goes On...

Enough for heartaches. Enough for pains. I can't hold it no more.

Not a single minute I had slept last night. Rising up before the clock striked at 6 o'clock in the morning. Looking outside the window, wet grounds, swaying leaves, and seems to be a cold breeze of the winter. But everything seems no more special thing to celebrate. Of course, I will spend my day just sleeping around. Until its through. Truly a tiring hobby. So dull.

But before anything gets pissed off, still struggling for the chance. A chance to live my life normally. Not because I'm feeling some kind of uncurable disease, but hopefully it would just be like that somehow. My life seems deemed with gloomy clouds outside. Like the weather outside, it's now so much cold and has no reason at the moment. But I know, this feeling somehow pass away. Struggling for almost three months now with no hope wouldn't be that easy. I had left everything to my counselor. If there might be regrets at the end, for sure, I wouldn't be doing it. Done almost everything yet, the skies remain dark and the sun still hides at every back gloomy clouds.

My gratitude to all the people who have been helping my across this journey. For countless advice. My mama and papa. Sorry for I was hurt. I didn't mean to feel this way. You've been seeing me as strong, intellegent lad. But here I am, so weak and helpless. Somehow soon, I'll be feeling strong again and wouldn't feel this way. To ma'm Lourdes, not just a best friend, but a mother whom I always give a call whenever my heart is heavy and I wanted to cry. Thanks for the time listening my heart ma'm. To Cieto, my bestfriend, thanks for comforting me all the way. For the company and giving me a drive to wherever church I wanted to pray, even though your tired and don't have rest from work, I appreciated it much. Thanks 'ciet. This would I always carry in the deepest abyss of my heart. Until forever. To wilmer, for the back massage, Irving, for the hugs and glasses of water, Jason for the movie, John Mark for the tapping my back, and Kent for reminding my every meal. Glendel, Angelie, and Junjun, my workmates. Thank you guys. I couldn't make it to cross the stormy ocean of my life without you. I may not as strong as today, but I will. I realize how much people had love me. There's more to worth living for. A never ending thanks to everyone. Ma'm Lourdz, thanks for everything. For the love, care and understanding. I will always believe in you and would always think what we believe, if "who walks with us at the end of our journey". That would make me cry. For I know, you are one of them.

There's so much life I left to live...

'til My Heartaches End

Enough for tears to cloud up my eyes. Although I am not prepared the kind of hurt, I must feel the pain and would just wish someday, I'll be fine. Seems, I am fighting for my feelings which is no longer fighting for. My heart is weary. My eyes are dried up. I couldn't cry hard enough.

I would just keep on dreaming that she's still mine. And yes I always do. I know, sometime soon, I could realize things are never working out and I could accept what is written on the stars. I just need to dream and dream until one day, I wake up into the reality. At least, I had done my best, to carry her steps closer to her dreams. Though, I haven't bridge her to its peak, at least, just so close, I brought her.

I had learned my life to live with her. And if this would be the end of my dreams with her, perhaps not now, sooner, I could just accept. Just take care of yourself. I had done everything for you. Though it wasn't appreciated, this must be it. We will separate our ways with memories. Still, I will be living it. Not that much easy to forget the days we had. Especially that it was filled with lot of dreams. Now it was torn. I will build my dreams again. Maybe not with anyone. Because I don't want to build it again if same things of leaving will be happening again.

Lots of things I learned. Lots of things I figured out. Thanks for memories and the broken dreams...

How About Your Prayers?

Never pray on things when you can't stand the test as answers on your prayers...

Sometimes, I recall how we prayed for us. The times when we go to church together, lits some candles and pray. Things feel so right. Things seemingly fine. I do not know how you prayed to keep our relationship strong that we have gone this far.

In silence, I also prayed the things you ask.

Because we believe that God is with us in this relationship, I gave you all of my heart, and believe in the promise of your love. Seems no one can break us. Invincible as if believing that God was with us eversince from the beginning.

Can you still remember how the two of us has started? Quite inspiring that we worked and had gone a long way. How God made His plan to bring us together? Totally unbelievable but it seems you are forgetting those things.

Let me recall... We first met on December 17, 2005 during the first Systemwide Seminar Workshop on our University Paper. We never talked during that time. But when I first saw you, you had my sight whatever you do. From the lunch you ate your chicken joy, to the night that you gently place the nips to your lips, until the time I accidentally picked up your kit thinking it was mine. I didn't ask your number. I haven't talked to you even that time. But for some reason, we communicated each other. I don't know how. But I guess there was some kind of energy that brings us together.

It doesn't end there. I was thinking that it would be the first and the last time I could see you. But then, you came to my place for some spiritual activity from the church. It brought us back together, giving us the chance to meet and would know much better.

Seems everything was guided by something or someone. I never thought that at this point of our live we would gone this far. Perhaps, it was because we believe together. We dream together. And we pray together.

How do you pray? Didn't some notion crosses to your mind that somehow, what happened to us today are answers to what you asked for? You are tested if you could stand to what you prayed? Why is it always me who believes in every way we suppose we could? Next time around. Don't ask for things which you couldn't stand with... I wish to carry you all throughout our journey. But you let go of the chance. Just don't wake up one day, that everything is too late... Regrets are always done at the end... Think. ...a thousand times.

Curse to Pain

What's this feeling? How could I get off of it? My heart is heavy. Full of pain. Why do people love hurting someone's heart who doesn't know anything but to give everything for love? Am I missing something?

Different questions pops up in my head making so much weak. What have I done? When will it end? How long will it stay? How strong I am to be at this point of pain? My heart is to small to bear with it. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I can't stand this for long. Will you tell me if there is something worth fighting for? You leave me alone with questions I need your answers. What I had done that you let me feel all the pains? Why is it easy for you to hurt me this way? Can't you remember those times you were happy becuase of all the things I did? You told me you appreaciate those things? Why? Why is this happening?

Will you please don't act immaturely? You're acting as if you don't know I am badly hurt. My heart is badly damage? What are these things you have given me after I had given my all to you? Why are you doing these things to me? I had even forgotten myself because of loving you. Is this the way of showing your love?

Wet Hanky. Dry It Up.

I don't usually share my feelings with others. I don't usually talk what I feel. They'll just know it in my actuation.

But there are times when you need to talk to someone to ease something hurting you in. You talk to someone whom you believe understands what you feel and will comfort you. Sharing my feelings is one of the hardest parts to do. But I need to.

I always write about how beautiful life. The beauty it brings and the dreams it could possibly give. Optimism is my side. Yet, some arduos situations come along. Inevitable. No matter how you try to be okay. No matter how much you hold on. No matter how you endeavor. No matter how you persevere. No matter how you give your all. You end up losing the race.

I always see life is as controllable as you. You give your best to someone. Her happiness is yours. You do things without expecting in return. Enough to feel that you are loved. But there are things which is beyong your control. Still you are hurt. No matter how you hold on. No matter how you fight. No matter how you give your best. Time comes, it wouldn't be appreciated. You will be left behind with teary eyes and so much helpless.

I thought, my best was enough to make things stay. But my efforts was in vain and was never realized nor appreciated in the simplest way I want to be. I was so true. But it wasn't seen as it.

The world is filled with different people. Some, seek their own happiness even if others are hurted. How selfish I am to be proclaimed like that? Am I really? I can't think of any situation that I hid anything to seek my own happiness.

It's okay. At least, I had learned something from being hurt. I just pray, all my doings wouldn't in vain and will be realized at the end that I was worth loving.

Thanks for coming into my life, and sharing a bit of it.

Crashed

Some things are worth fighting for. There are things in life we wish to fight because we do not want to lose it. Yes. We wish to like things under our control. But will it be worth fighting if that would find its way out away from you?

You expect a lot on things which you believe yours forever. Given by all your affection and even already build your dreams with it. But how far would go if suddenly things go wrong suddenly? How long would you keep standing from the pain it brings to your heart? Eventually. This would be the arduous part so much hard to cope with.

My best wasn't good enough. My efforts weren't appreciated. I was set aside in all of a sudden. What have I done? I just love you. I just dream with you. How could you bring all these things into my life? Are you happy with all these things I felt? Are you happy that the man you love is suffering the pains despite of everything I did just to make you feel loved? I love you in my own way. I didn't know if I am still missing something. Tell me. What do I need to do to bring you back? To love me again? Do I deserved all these things? Examine yourself completely? DOn't you need me anymore? Don't you love me anymore?

I don't understand anything from what is happening. You look for another man who sees only his happiness. Someone who doesn't even give respect that someone is building his dream with you. Now, you are letting him crash me. Tolerating his deeds I don't deserve. Did you love me once? Where are you know?

Learning from the Best

I could not do anything but to put my feelings in writings. Hopefully, somehow I could take this out and be fine. Wish that would be easy. I'm missing her time for me. The way she text me. Missing all of her. But here I am in the situation and I must face with it. If she could make her day without me, I will try it my own. If there is a gradual vanishing of feelings then let me teach myself how to do it. Time will heal perhaps. Maybe it hurts for now. But I know, this feeling would just be a beautiful nightmare in my life. At least, I learned to love. Learned to dream. Persevere to realize one's dream. Not my loss maybe. I'm doing my best yet, it wasn't enough.

I just want to thank her for making me dream. Inspire. Thanks for being part of my life. Thanks for the pain. Thanks for everything. I will change from now on. I wouldn't be the same person you once know before. Because if I won't, I'll just keep expecting I would still have dream. Dream that would remain fantasy. And that's hard working with something you do not know where it goes. I just want you to know the way it feels to cry the way that I cry when you broke my world, my dreams I put on. I wish one day, you would realize how great I am because of you. I could love a thousand times. But never will you be loved by someone whose heart is as simple as mine. Hope you would realize before it's too late. Don't risk for things. It's not good to regret at the future when you can supposed to save the feeling. I'm learning from the best. I am learning from you.

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally, as that song goes. Perfect situation must go wrong which I never realize that it would be possible in real world. Looking back I could have played it differently. Here I am. Looking far away how long would it take for me to overcome this feeling.

No one in your life is with you constantly. No one is completely on your side. I'm trying to keep you. Been trying to save us. You love me as you told me. But you are making a gap that we need to build bridges to reach out. But despite. Now this is me. Staying with you. And will no longer ask for anything. Just the way you want me to.

If this would be the feeling you once felt, not far, I could be feeling the way your feeling right now. Just can't completely understand why you walked away from me.

Forgotten Piece

I don't know if this would just be a product of my own thinking. Or maybe, I know it because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So many things had happened. So many things I had done. So many things I had pondered out that this wouldn't be possible. All this time. Still at hardships of accepting things happening around. Still thinking of what would be the right thing to do. I'm scared, I could make some decisions I would regret in the future.

Maybe my prayers were answered. Yes I know. It was. My prayers that somehow, I'd be given a chance to fill-in the things I had forgotten to do. Maybe my prayers is heard that her heart will be touched once again that now, she's with me.

But she's not completely mine. There's a piece of her that stops her so. She told me she loves me. Enough to hear and be happy. But why can't she stick with me? Why is that she's confused of her feelings that leads of hurting me sometimes? Why can't her heart is surrendered to me? If she does, she would focus her attention back to me. Why can't she do that easy if she does? But still, I'm waiting for the time 'till she's completely mine. I won't give up. After all the pains I felt, it made me stronger to fight for her. I can accept everything, and just praying that the day, my heart wouldn't become numb before things fall to where they should be.

My mind is filled with questions. So many questions. Now, I pray that my head can't think of anything. I wanted rest. I wanted peace. I want to lay down sweetly.

There are times my mind wish to give up. But my heart never will. I know, she's holding a piece of me. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't even know what I am doing. Is this the consequence of loving much of someone? I didn't do anything. But to love, and love her in the way I know. What I am missing that we need to come to this situation? All I dream is to give her a better life in my own endeavor, like no one can even if it would mean forgetting myself and giving all to her. I am happy with what I am doing. To see her happy would be more than enough to repay all of my doings.

I just can't love alone. But why would you have the notion that I'm missing something? I hate to disagree on that but that's what you believe. Can you just give me the time to correct whatever wrong doings you think and will make right? Perhaps, there are times I'm not seeing you. But it doesn't mean I am forgetting us. Please don't close your mind. I am doing this just because of us. For what we dream on. In fact, all those times, I wonder what you are doing. What are the things lingering on your mind. I wanted to be with you. As always, I wanted to see you. But I know, this isn't the right time to do those things yet. You are on your studies and I don't want to hinder your dreams to realize it. I'm at your back, just carrying you. There would be much of our time to be with each other after passing the ladder towards the things we dream on, and I hope I would still be part of it.

I know about your dream. Fulfilling such dreams wouldn't be easy and in my absence, I want her to endeavor to catch her dreams close to her. I want you to step on me while reaching the heights of your dream. I can carry you because I dream with you.

I told you once, my love is like a wind. You cannot see me and I pray those times I'm nor around you can still feel me. In my absence, you can feel you need me.

At times I'm not with you, I do not stop loving you. I just dream with you.

But what about now? Are all our dreams gone? Or you don't just completely realized how I work hard for us? I am stepped on until broken into pieces that I could hardly find and fix myself. If only you would stay and believe in our dreams together, I wouldn't be torn. You are my strength. You are my dream. You are my everything. You are the reason why I keep going and keep on believing in our dreams. What would happen now? Would you come back and remember the forgotten piece of what we dream once? Please do because I need you much. More than you know. More of my life.

Will you give me the chance to live again? Like I won't worry anything? Will you take care of my heart? Will you find its missing pieces to form it again? Until when could I find you? Until when would I feel this way?

Life wouldn't be easy now. It's hard to dream back again now that you are not completely mine. Just your mind. Your heart. And your love.

Please stop me from feeling this way.

In the Arms of an Angel

I ended up my day last night filled with inspiration. Who can say? after all the pains and after all the things I had passed through, I would still be happy? Time is indeed unpredictable. And the hands who worked for me, would I always be very thankful for once again comforting my feelings those times I was so much down.

Just the normal day yesterday I was working at my counter. Nothing else in my mind but her. I was busy manipulating the keyboards with the computer when I looked up, I saw the person in my mind right in front of me. I wasn't dreaming nor see someone like her in my hallucination. Nope. She was her.

So happy to see her, that at last, I wouldn't keep thinking about her. She's right in front of my very eye. ahahah! I never expect she would come to my office and will give a visit. Not totally new, but I was really surprise.

I normally worked. Filled with inspiration as I go on. Taking some glance before her as she was sitting on the table studying for her midterm exams. (giggle)I don't know if she enjoy the time with me, but I can feel she was happy spending her time in my branch. Normal working day ended at 7:00 o'clock in the evening. After work, we went to the church and pray together.

There, we talk shortly before we prayed. Her eyes were true as we were talking together. What she said, hurts a little because I know she was talking with me at heart. But her words challenged me to work for us even more. Right at this moment still, she is confused with her feelings and fighting over it. Wish I could do this with prayers. I will persevere and endeavor much harder to win back her heart again. I know, I'm making it.

Until the River Runs Dry

I don't how to start everything I want to say. Still my mind is much confused with the things happening around me. I don't want this feeling anymore. Seems like, I don't know how to trust my heart again. Maybe, I'm just afraid I might get hurt when I expect much on the things happening to me now, or this would be a normal feelings after a dreamy heart was once broken and put back into pieces.

Now the most difficult part of myself now is winning back I had once given. Admittedly, I wonder if I am still living with myself. I'm not used to it. Seems there is someone deep within me ruling my mind with possibilities. But I don't care. I want to gain back they way I am before. This is no longer me. This is not myself anymore.

I was hurt several times. I had trusted inconsiderable moments. But no matter how many times I got hurt and how many times my trust was broken still, I couldn't help myself looking after her, thinking that she alone is all I need in my life. My every reason I wake up in the morning, my reason to live, and my all.

I don't know why I keep standing 'till this time. But everytime, the river runs dry, that's the time I prayed for the rain to come. Not just to hide the tears but to soften the earth from being drought.

I will love you in the way I know. I don't care if I would still be hurt next time around. At least, I tried to love you, again and again.

Making a Different Story

Everyday is a new story. Unexpected. Unpredictable. You maybe happy today. But in a moment, you suddenly be sad. Life is never be at constant. The greatest pain strikes after you are happy.

Today. I am happy. So happy that it brings me back to life and started to dream on. Start to endeavor to bring my dreams to reality. I'm in love. Yes I am. And I feel stronger to stand before pains today. Who can tell. That I am still standing before all those thing has weakened me? Proof enough, that I can endure the pain in the name of love. The greatness of love makes me I am today. I can do anything from its magic. I know, and I know.

Everyday is a different story. I maybe happy today. I maybe inspired. But things would never be constant. But still, I am most willing to fight to catch my dreams and continue to live.

We are celebrating three years and seven months today. After all this years, my love grows even stronger for her, and even gone to the wildest dream at this far. We stand before the troubles that came up in our relationship because we dream together. And I pray, the dreams we have will keep our love alive.

So much happy today. So much happy that we come this far. God may continue to bless us and nurture our love with each other. I know. God has always been with us since we started. And the magic of finding two different people from two different places will tell that we are loved by God. This is the story I always wanted to share to the world.

Wish this moment would not end. I wanted to feel this way. I always wanted her in my life. Not just now. But even beyond at the beautiful sunsets of our lives.

Remembering Winter Solstice

I woke up early morning on December 17, 2005. Not much with the things I will be accomplishing but to have more time to think if I would attend the Systemwide Seminar and Workshops of the Univeristy Paper I was once a contributor with.

The cold breeze and drizzling sound of raindrops stopped me to fix up and prepare myself for leaving. Instead, I hid under my blanket and tried to sleep again.

15 more minutes as I gazed up my diver's watch before 6:00 o'clock in the morning strikes. Without any reasons, I jumped out of my bed and hurriedly took a bath, prepare my things out, and leave the house. I even forgot to put something in my stomach because I was in hurry. I don't know the mere reason. But I found out myself walking in the rain to catch up the L300 van, the service which would bring us to the main campus.

There were just few of my co-staff of the University Paper in the assembly area when I arrived. Inasmuch as I can remember, there were just about 8 staffs in there. I didn't have them in mind anyway because I don't have my spirit with me because I left it at bed. (lol)...I got straightly inside the van, took my bag as pillow and sleep. I noticed, in minutes we were leaving (I was sleeping then).

An hour after, we arrived at the main campus. The weather was fine. Bright sun in the sky. Seemingly, its gonna be a wonderful day. A new quest of experience worth remembering.

My co-staffs started to mingle and talked with other staffs from other satellite campuses. Yet, I was just sitted at the corner and got busy with my phone chatting with my friends I left in my hometown. I didn't care much really of the other staffs because I was hungry. (hahaha! waiting for the breakfast to be served.)

Moments come after, there came late staffs from Bais Campus. Wow. She catches my attention really. I stopped texting my friends over my phone and just looked at her. The first thing I noticed about her is her lips. Whoaahhhhh! Soft and seem to be nice. Next is her hair. I admit, I wanna touch it the first time I saw her. I keep it in mind. I never share anything of my thoughts and just kept it to myself.

We are so busy in the seminar and workshops. Different notable speakers and book writers where invited to give their lecture. Of course, it's inevitable fact that I would take a glance moments to moments to an angel I just newly knew. hahaha! But do business as usual. Demure, and demure. Don't even have plans talking to her because her eyes talks she is somewhat kind strict (and suplada). I just continued my business texting my friends even at the middle of the lecture. I was silent then. Feeling so sleepy.

Activities were rigid. From 8:00 o'clock in the morning straight to 10:00 o'clock in the evening. That time, still sitting at the corner waiting for the Bais Campus (from where she has been) to present at the program. Yeah. I admit. I admire her since I saw her in the morning.

Time runs so fast indeed. After they made a dance presentation, I was bored at the program wishing I could lie down and rest. But the program hasn't ended yet. After the program, tubes filled with Nips or Smarties (chocolate brands)were rounded to the staffs with only two clear warnings. First. Get inasmuch as you want. Second. Don't eat then yet. But because I love chocolates, I got a hand filled of smarties.

Wow! here's the instructions that made me crazy. Hahaha! Each color of the smarties represents something. Like red for lovelife, blue for family, green for future plans and whatever. I forgot the others. While I was waiting for my turn to speak in front, I had eaten some of my chocolates bring only five in front. hahaha! That was how made my talked shorter. While the program continues, I keep glancing her at the adjacent distance watching her eating the watermelon. hahah. she is so beautiful as she put the slices into her cherry lips wishing I was the watermelon touching her soft and red lips. hmmmmm... can't help it. She was just tempting me.

So after my talk, I looked for my room where I can rest. Need to save some of my energy for the next days activity. Simply, I smile was drawn in my face before I feel asleep because of her. Now, I thank the situation that I was to have the chance to come to the seminar thinking of what happened though, I haven't to her even a single word just merely glances (weehhhhhhh!).

The next day. Time to fix. Looking for the bathroom to take fix oneself. Good thing, the University has plenty of it. hahaha! Don't much have of difficulties to enjoy the shower since no once will demand he or she will be now the next. ._,

Breakfast time! After everyone was ready, time to eat. Don't enjoy much of the breakfast since it was an order by the fast food. Surely, rice and chicken doesn't make sense to me. But what's more enjoyable thing I had at breakfast was watching her slicing the chicken with here bare hands as she put it in her mouth. Her lips really looks nice. I was just in careful taking glance at her because she might catch the way I look at here. (giggle). Seems like I was a kid that time. Watching her every move... I did have the best breakfast ever!

I was more careful everytime I take a look at here since, I caught her boy buddy keeping an eye with me. I don't know what he thinks but there was something in his eyes. hahaha! (I doubt if he was sure he was a boy really). He might her about me. I notice his boy buddy touching her. So I guess, they were lovers that time. hahaha! (Though I doubted)

Erase... erase... erase... I hate the way he looked at me. hahaha!

Time runs so fast really. We are about to end the two-day Systemwide Seminar/Workshops for the University Paper. I'm quite sad. I thought, I would just keep the feelings inside me and let it happen as memories. I never talked to her yet.

But circumstances finds its way to exchange your words. I was busy preparing my things for leaving. Consciously, I put my kit in the arm chair. I didn't notice that my co-staff picked it up and brought it along with her (my co-staff) thinking I was too clumsy and I might forget my kit.

Without knowing, after packing up my things, I picked up the pick in the arm chair where I place mine thinking it was really my kit. Busy chatting with my other staffs, I notice her, looking her kit she place in the arm chair. To my notion, that I got the same thing in the arm chair, I check inside the kit and to my surprise, it wasn't mine. hahahaa! I was forced to talked to her apologizing what I did as my companion hand my kit over me. After, we talked, I found out she was nice to talk with. (wow... too late to realize.)

There were short conversations happened. Some were asking each other's personal mobile number. Moments after, they bid goodbye and she was on my mind from then.

Heading for home. We rode the bus and I wasn't in good thinking. She occupied the entire memory of my braincells. hahaha...

Time wouldn't tell how the magic started between us. Filled with surprises. Until I can't believe to the day, she became the biggest part of me. Now, my life. my future, and my love.

There's so much to tell. Some special things are hidden in every word I said. How we became lovers is a miracle of finding two hearts at a distant...

I found her first at winter. Yet, the love I have for her is hotter than the summer solstice...

...and it'll forever burns.

When Pain Strikes

Could hardly ponder things out today. I tried to be positive in every perspective I wish to see yet, difficulties to ignore the pain would always comes to the end. I wish to say, I am okay. I wish to pretend but I can't.

How could I live my life in a normal way if my reason to live is taken away from me? How can I build my dreams back if I do not have the courage to dream once more? I live because I dream with you. When I wake up looking at my reasons in a far distance, would only be the worst beautiful nigthmare.

Who are they to tell me the things that would make me happy? I alone can tell what makes my reasons to live. I had dreamed this far. Believing things to be alright after arduous situations we've been through. I won't give up to things I know belongs to me.

...I dreamed this far. So I'll be dreaming 'till I can.

Some Good Things Never Last...

I used to think I'm lucky enough to have some good things other could hardly have. I used to live in the world filled with dreams and happiness, and I never thought there would come a time that these things will be taken away from me.

It hurts badly. Nothing compares. It seems I am alone from nowhere I could see no sunshine in the sky. Cold breeze always embraces me. Freezing my heart making myself numb that I could no longer feel anything but pain. This is the arduous part of my life. Filled with confusions and regrets. My dreams are shattering, and it's breaking me.

I smile not because I am happy. I smile to fake my feelings and wish to be okay. Yet, my mind can't stop thinking that at the end I will totally break. I'm afraid. So much scared from the world may bring to me now. I'm lost. Lost to the darkness which light is hardly seen, and if this would be, I might totally close my eyes to seek for light and would just follow my own to see.

How could I go on without you? How would I fix back myself when you alone can do it?